apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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