flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
