I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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