So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
