They should really pass out barf bags in church
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
