it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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