cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
