My friends, they love my intelligence
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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