My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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