when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
