god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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