i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
