Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
