How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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