Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
