I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
