I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
