Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
