I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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