If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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