it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
