i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
