It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
