He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
