note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
