im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
