Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
