Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
grandma shit on top of the toilet
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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