oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
