You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
