i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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