Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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