You don't have asthma, your pregnant
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
