Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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