And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
