I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
