i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
