Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
