You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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