Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
