I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
