on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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