i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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