So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
