you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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