look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
