She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
