As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
