dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
