i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
